It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
