i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
