Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
