Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
