Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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