Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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