it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
FUCK WHALES
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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