This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize