I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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