I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
