At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
