I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
