she woke up with a sticky ear
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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