I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize