she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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