Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
