i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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