Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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