I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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