so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
