allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
