so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
