After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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