so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
