party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
