Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize