A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
