More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
