The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
