I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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