OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
