the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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