I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
