if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
