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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED

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  Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.

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• (270): View more from Kentucky

  I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.

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• (207): View more from Maine

  I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.

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• (305): View more from Florida

  I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.

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• (850): View more from Florida

  I can't remember dinner

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"

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• (646): View more from New York

  Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.

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• (650): View more from California

  it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it

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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  I'm more than my video games and dildo collection

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• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.

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• (727): View more from Florida

  Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?

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• (219): View more from Indiana

  We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.

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• (214): View more from Texas

  Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night

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• (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.

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