I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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