i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You smell like stripper and shame
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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