I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
