I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I can't turn off my feet"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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