Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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