I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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