I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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