i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
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