That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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