If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
