If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize