So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
