If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
