Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
