she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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