So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
