when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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