i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm really busy with my period
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