it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
