I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
