Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
