I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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