did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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