Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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